probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
