Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
