3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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