she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
