There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
