naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
