my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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