Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
