I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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