the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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