I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
