What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
