last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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