I must be too annoying 4 u.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
