I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
