Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
