The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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