You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
