I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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