So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize