so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
