I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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