I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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