I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
