The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He had one of those small greek statue penises
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize