he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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