??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
