last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize