God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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