Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
