I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
