The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
