I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
