We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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