what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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