So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
