There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i now understand why vodka
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
