your parents love me but you hate me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
These tits shall not be calmed
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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