I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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