I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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