um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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