can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize