i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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