We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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