Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
