I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
