Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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