i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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