I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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