Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
