Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
