Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
