If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
