My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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