I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How external is "for external use only"?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
