My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dicks are not precious.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
