my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Reggie can tackle my bush.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
