Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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