My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
