apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
