I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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