I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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