The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
