Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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