Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
