is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i would punch a child for taco bell
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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