So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
