I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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