I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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